Tuesday, July 29, 2003
Okay - this is weird! I started praying for E on Sunday every morning before I start my day. The following things have already happened:

1) I am much more patient and considerate of him (I read the "Change me" prayer every morning along with whatever prayer is up that day)

2) Evan mowed the lawn yesterday without being nagged and bought paint at Lowe's to repaint the crib

3) He is making a master list of things he wants to get done around the house

I know God will change us for the better, but I didn't expect it so soon!
m added colour at 8:51 AM

Sunday, July 27, 2003
I thought counseling went very well - I am very encouraged! He actually told E that he doesn't understand a lot of E's replies to questions, and I've been telling him the same thing for months!

I also have a new method of working on my own issues, at my sponsor's recommendation: I will now be working the book
The Power of a Praying Wife

m added colour at 4:32 PM

Friday, July 25, 2003
E and I have our first counseling appointment today - this on the day that today's reflection reminds me to choose my words carefully around an active alcoholic - I think that goes for sober ones too!

And so we walk this path of economic mystery, not knowing where it will lead. He is going to have a big billing month this month, and that's good. I know that I'll have to keep working, though, and it's brought up an interesting thought for me: there is still time for me to apply to be a cop. I'm only 32, and I have until my 36th birthday.

I sit at my job and do things that are mildly interesting to downright boring, and then I come home and several nights a week I immerse myself in my forensics TV shows. I don't know why I like that stuff so much, I just do. A few days ago it occurred to me that now that my personal life has found its course (however frustrating), it's time to do something I enjoy and that means something in the world.

Last night we were sitting in bed and I said to E to test the waters "I should have been a cop." and he said nonplussed, "There's still time."

And, even in the face of that encouragement (and I do consider that encouragement), I know there are those who will freak out, namely Mom & Dad. I would work on the process in secret and not get anyone riled up unless it's absolutely necessary, for my own peace.

I need to get into shape after Will arrives, and then take the civil service exam.

E's new thing is telling me what to do constantly, which is irritating but also funny, b/c I'm sure I did the same thing when we were first married, before I realized that I was on my way to becoming a nag. In the course of four hours last night, he told me that I need to only go to 3 meetings a week, I need to walk with him at night (although I might take him up on this in light of my new project), I need to quit using my vibrator (don't even know where to begin with that one), and I need to mediate in the mornings (this is my meditation). As we were lying in bed he thanked me for "being so sweet" yesterday. A great deal of that is me not telling him to quit telling me what to do. It doesn't stop him, it just gives him more reason in his mind to keep taking my inventory. I just let him run on and let it go out my other ear - what good is holding on to stuff that just makes you angry?
m added colour at 7:35 AM

Tuesday, July 22, 2003
I've had this blog for almost a month and have been really well-behaved about not ranting, but I'm about to make up for lost time:

What is people's issue with smoking, really, when 66% of this nation walks around carrying at least 30 extra pounds? Fat people will say to smokers "Oh, you shouldn't do that!" Do smokers walk up to these human buffalo and say, "Oh, you really should shed that extra person under your skin!"? No, we do not! Do we have a fatties section in restaurants? Should we start telling Chunks that they need to stay out side with the smokers until they quit being fat?
m added colour at 12:44 PM

Tuesday, July 15, 2003
Ugh, what a weekend. E and I had a huge, record-setting fight, complete with him emptying out his side of the closet and throwing it all in his truck. We were at a stalemate until Sunday morning. My sponsor had told me to read in the Big Book p. 86 to the end of the chapter every day, and I can't get through that without taking a very sobering (pardon) look at my attitude towards this whole marriage. I'm all about me, when I should be all about what I can give back to the world. And the world hardly needs another failed marriage. SO we've called a truce, and I am really working on my gratitude for what I have, not dwelling on what I don't have.

So we are going to start counseling, and I am still working in Al-Anon.

I can't believe I buried the lead: we're having a boy!!!!
m added colour at 9:20 AM

Thursday, July 10, 2003
I have had a minor but comforting breakthrough today: I am not exactly the most organized person on earth when it comes to money - I have a few areas I can improve in too. I have no idea why this comforts me, but it does.

m added colour at 10:44 PM

Totally nutty day yesterday, so no time for comment/update. Much sponsee drama. In a nutshell (or I guess for those of us in A.A.,'In a shotglass'), my sponsee that disowned me has re-employed me, except for taking my suggestions. Not two hours after I told her not to tell her husband that she just ended an affair, she told him.

The reason we do not disclosure affairs to our spouses is not to cover our asses, but because it is relieving our consciences at the expense of another person's peace. She now has a living exhibit of this. If we get through this without her husband killing the 3rd party, it will be a photo finish.

E and I now have 6 straight days of fighting, but the fights are getting less and less intense, so I gues that's something to be thankful for.

Today's reading is very thought-provoking for me: letting go of my obsolete ideas. Certainly I have many of those, but these seem to be the biggies:

Full-time care will make my offspring a bunch of marauding psychopaths
Marriage will make me happy (though I think I have this one firmly in the can)
m added colour at 10:41 AM

Tuesday, July 08, 2003
Okay, I know I'm not supposed to be concentrating on him, but I think he's trying to kill me. We have just had a really pissy discussion, and now he is sitting across from me, eating an entire jar of peanut butter, very casually telling me that I "need to be prepared to take a calculated risk" on his business (financially of course). God, if I could just have some silence!!! Preferably followed by the sound of him doing some actual work in the wreck we call his study.
m added colour at 11:39 PM

Today's meeting topic was detachment, and it would be a lot easier to practice this if my husband didn't insist on having the same self-serving argument over and over again!! Okay, today's work from Codependents' Guide to the Twelve Steps:

What are some areas in your life that reflect unmanagability? Emotions: drained by both my spinning head and E's inability to just leave me alone and work my side of things out. I think I've cried over this everyday this week, though I wake up with fresh resolve to get out of this. Finances: this will be a tough month, because if E ever gets off his ass and takes care of his ticket, the truth has now emerged that we're looking at $700. Plus, he charged $350 on the mastercard today for auto insurance (the company told him that this will cost $2000 per year on $10,000 truck), and the homeowner's insurance is due this month. E is just one big financial disaster. Spirituality: working on this w/renewed vigor through church, Al-Anon, etc. Career: I have neglected this, and this is my own fault. I have been buying E's flowery descriptions of everythin that's just around the corner instead of looking at reality. I am studying for my real estate license and looking for something better paying.

OOooo, and P was at the meeting tonight! In really awful shoes, but he's so fine it hardly registered. I could roll that buy in chocolate, dip him in nuts, and ... well, I don't want to get Blog-Blocked.
m added colour at 11:14 PM

Ew, he and I had not a good night last night. He was stewing from the time I walked in the door, and I let him do so for most of the night, because he's 40 years old - he can tell me what's wrong on his own. Finally I said,"I really don't like living in this tension, so if you have something to say to me, I'm all ears." He tells me he found something on my laptop (while carrying it around all day like it's his) about another guy. This is had written almost a year ago, and I told him that if he's going to use my stuff, he's going to see things from before him.

Then we got into it about other stuff. I am not going to recount most of the things he said to me, because his arrogance and insensitivity make my head pound just thinking about them. One day things may be righted between us, and I don't want to be reminded of them. Basically I'm just wrong and screwed up, and he's just put-upon.

After my good couple of days in Al-Anon, I feel like last night was a setback. I feel overwhelmed again, but I re-visited a site I have always liked about this issue today. The directive to "Stop analyzing" is comforting: I do not have to figure this out. Yes, it's a mess, but I don't have to come up with The Answer.
m added colour at 1:02 PM

Monday, July 07, 2003
So I have really committed to an Al-Anon program. I am also working Step 1 through Melody Beattie's Codependents' Guide to the Twelve Steps.Today's activity questions:

1. What would you have to face in your own life if you stopped trying to control someone/something? I would have to face the reality that I am not staying home full-time with the baby by his contribution, that he's putting himself before us.

2. What might happen if you stopped trying to control someone/something? Well, nothing earth-shattering (Though I've been acting like it): I would return to work after 6 weeks, Evan wuold handle his business by himself, and I would look out for ways to be home part of the day. My thinking will definately clear up, and I'll be able to focus on my child, career, program, etc.
m added colour at 9:01 AM

Friday, July 04, 2003
I have determined what's wrong with me!! This is me. I just walk around thinking if E. would straighten up and fly right, everything would be great. And that's probably not going to happen in this lifetime. Last night he was telling me an\bout how his business "is our marriage, it is our spirituality." I don't know who the second party is when he says "our", but it sure as hell is isn't me! I'd like to think that our marriage is worth a little more than 22K before taxes!

So here's the new deal: I am going to attack this codependency thing. I am powerless over E, and I'm having a child with him, and those are two things I need to get reconciled as soon as possible.

The lawn looked hideous today because he never mows it until I literally bitch at him, so today I got up and did it myself, and it felt great!! And when I hit my 3rd trimester, I'll hire someone to do it because waiting for him to do it is not a solution I can live with. Tomorrow, the hideous back yard.

I asked him to paint the baby's room this weekend, but that seems to have slipped his mind, as all things do. So you know what? F--k it. I'm not bitching at him about it any more. I can't paint while I'm pregnant, so the baby's room just isn't going to be painted for a while. He made a great show out of buying all the stuff we need to paint the family room (spending money is never a problem), but progress to date? Nillo. So you know what? That's right: f--k it. I'll do it myself after the baby comes.

Waiting for him to participate in anything not involving what he wants isn't working, so f--k it. I'm not waiting for that anymore. If he refuses to take on more work so I can stay home, then I'll do what I have to do. F--k it, f--k it, f--k it.
m added colour at 1:44 PM

Thursday, July 03, 2003
For Father's Day, I told my husband I would work for his fledgling firm for 5 hours a week doing marketing and financial work. However, today's Al-Anon reading says in part “When I stopped dwelling on how things would probably work out, I was better able to pay attention to what I was doing.�

Is my working on the firm actually unhealthy for him? I know I'm doing it out of selfish motives: marketing will hopefully increase his business, yeilding a higher standard of living. That right there is a no-no. I am trying to control his business: if you can't make this grow, then I can.. I am trying to control his earning situation: if you can't make yourself the primary breadwinner, then I'll make you the primary breadwinner. The reality is that our Higher Power(s) determine how well his business will go.
m added colour at 9:22 AM

Felt a real, proper baby kick last night! Not just a tap, but a kick! It's amazing how excited I am about this baby, when I'm so ambivalent about this marriage...

He's had quite a fussy 18 hours (once this baby comes, people will confuse my husband w/the baby. There again, so will I). He made a comment about how "popular" I am because a couple of guys came over and talked to me after the meeting. Then at midnight I was in bed and he started rubbing his unshaven face against my arm, saying he was acting like the cat so I would pay attention to him. Ugh. Then this morning he decided that a blouse I've worn to work several times is no "see-through", and "tacky". I put on a jacket to shut him up.
m added colour at 8:51 AM

Wednesday, July 02, 2003
I am down to 1 sponsee, but she is doing so very well, it's almost supernatural. She has gone from being totally self-centered (the way we all are when we come in) to going out of her way to introduce herself to newcomers and catch up with regular members. She is so much more forward-thinking than I ever thought possible.

Contrast this to my somewhat-ailing husband: he calls me at the office and says we still need to have dinner with his revolting friend, despite his lying around with food poisoning for 2 days. This in spite of his asking me to make calls for him because he won't "sound right" on the phone. No, no, no: if you're well enough to go to dinner, you're well enough to make your own calls. He is now doing so.
m added colour at 2:54 PM

For the past few months, I have been feeling guilt over not calling J&R anymore. Once I met E, I pretty much dropped them. I have always known that primarily it's because I really got close to J when I was drinking, and I find now that drinking firends hardly ever pan out in sobriety. However, another reason occurred to me last night. E has spent most of the past day or so sleeping because of this flu or food poisoning or whatever it is, and I was thinking to myself how nice and quiet it was around the house. Revelation: I not hanging out w/J&R helps me to avoid what I call E's Bitchspots. Bitchspots are issues he bitches about that I refuse to give in to, and they flare up unexpectedly (some examples are my seeing a male OBGYN, sometimes getting mail addressed to my ex at the house, etc.). My hanging out with a couple of gay guys is a Bitchspot waiting to happen. Right or wrong, I just don't want to deal with it.
m added colour at 8:53 AM

Tuesday, July 01, 2003
From The Truth Laid Bear's New Webblog Showcase:



Cowgirl Cries: Carnal Conflict


m added colour at 1:58 PM

I am now having bodice-ripping fantasies about P. while trying to look busy at my desk. I am also dying for a nap, because I was up late and then early w/E, who has somehow gotten food poisoning. Today's daily reading talks about how the best I can do today is all the God of My Understanding requires from me. Right now, friendship is the best I can do in this marriage, and the lingerie daydreams, at least for now, belong to P.
m added colour at 1:37 PM